I Am Figuratively Quite Upset

I am fully aware that complaining about the meanings of words and how they change is a definite step in the direction of becoming the tedious whinging cockend that complains about how you can't use the word "gay" in its original sense anymore, even though they don't even want to use it but can't resist a chance to position themselves as the oppressed minority they invariably aren't.

Goodness. What a long sentence.

However, if there's one word that's really starting to grate on me through overuse and misuse, often at the same time, it's "random". It's become the word of choice for the twentysomething urbanite trying desperately to make their life sound more exciting than it is. It's a word that now seems to mean "unusual" or "miscellaneous". It's particularly grating when used as a noun: "I was in the pub with some randoms".

It's a word that appeals to the mind that likes mobile phone adverts, where charmingly kooky people do something vaguely artistic, creative and slightly unpredictable, while revelling in their charming and childlike innocence that shows they haven't lost their sense of wonder in the postmodern concrete abyss that surrounds them, soundtracked by something drippy and acoustic. Adverts that say "hey, urban life is alienating and unpredictable, but we give it meaning together and we surprise those grey suits surrounding us with how in touch we are with our inner children!"

I hope they all catch some form of hilarious bum disease.

Not far behind "random" in the list of words that make me feel mildly genocidal is "literally". "Literally" is a great word, and as this chap points out, is the only word that does what it does. "Literally", has a very specific and fantastic use: it's for when something that is normally a figure of speech actually happens.

That's fantastic.

It is not, and this is very important, used to provide emphasis. It does, in a sense, mean "really". Just not the sort of really it's generally used as.

If you are struck by lightning on a clear summer's day, you may say "it was literally a bolt out of the blue".

To say "I was literally drunk" is incorrect unless you are (or rather, were) a glass of water. You may not say "I was literally gobsmacked" unless you were in fact punched in the mouth.

And if you were, you probably deserved it. Unless it was random.