There are certain phrases that, when uttered by the participants of a TV debate show or conversation, fill you you with a deep and existential dread, a sort of heavy foreboding of upcoming awkwardness and bullshit. "I'm not being racist, but..." being the most famous, indicating that what follows will indeed be racist. Conversely "Not being funny, but..." usually indicates that what follows will indeed not be funny.
"At the end of the day, right..." generally means "You've just made a rather pertinent point that totally defeats my semi-formed argument and I need to bluster a bit while I decide whether to try and justify myself, get angry, restate my original point in slightly different words or try and figure out a way to make it look like I agree with you without anyone noticing my complete volte-face".
What all of these have in common is that they are cast-iron guarantees that the argument that follows can be easily defeated or safely ignored. And here we come to the fallback argument of those who really can't possibly justify their position through such fripperies as facts and reason: "Speaking as a mother..."
It usually is "as a mother", as well. I rarely seem to note "as a father". Which is weird as, as has often been noted, rubbish arguments and emotional bluster are hardly the preserve of the fairer sex. Either way, though, the premise of "as a mother..." is this: I have invested, through my actions, in the future of the world and my opinions are based on the long-term benefit of the country/world as a whole, rather than my own narrow self-interest." The implication being that they are selfless and therefore carry a greater moral weight than those of the selfish childless. That you should abandon your line of argument immediately as it's not based on anything like the depth of understanding theirs is.
This is quite patently a right old load of fucking arse.
Not least because the "as a mother" argument is mostly deployed when discussing the hot-button knee-jerk reaction topics, most commonly the marauding legions of ruthlessly-organised paedophiles lurking around every corner, and also the apparently unrelated problem of how horrible society is now that everyone's too afraid of being labelled a paedophile to go to the aid of a child if they see one alone and upset in the street.
It also seems to crop up a lot when terrorism and pornography get mentioned. Funny that.
The idea that somehow those who have bred are more moral and upstanding is clearly bollocks. Parents do immoral things on a daily basis, from the tiny to the monstrous. Look at the mass-murderers, dictators, tyrants, oppressors, newspaper proprietors and other assorted bastards throughout history. You'll notice that the one thing they don't have in common is childlessness.
(I note, goosestepping awkwardly round the edges of this discussion and adjusting his absurd moustache, the Twentieth Century's definitive bastard. Who was indeed childless. This is about the right time to point out that I shall be adhering rigorously, as my blog develops, to Godwin's Law and no mention shall be made of Adolf Hitler unless it is a) pertinent or b) funny.)
It's also absurd because parents are, under certain circumstances, completely irrational and capable of becoming so very quickly. It's a consequence of the natural instinct to protect your child. I know perfectly well that there aren't armies of paedoterrorists patrolling the streets and supermarket aisles of the country waiting for any opportunity to snatch a child left unobserved for even a second. I know that, it's true and will continue to be true no matter how many times the News of the World prints maps of where they are. Yet if I'm in the supermarket with my daughter and the picking of an item requires me to turn me back on her, however briefly, my heart is in my mouth.
What "speaking as a mother/father" essentially means is "letting go of my critical faculties for a second and letting vent to the most howlingly irrational aspect of my being..." Which should be enough for you to know to take what follows with a hefty dose of lo-sodium salt substitute.
Being a parent changes you permanently and profoundly. How could it not? But a demonstrably functioning reproductive tract does not give you leave to avoid backing up your arguments with facts and thought. On the day my daughter was born, I did not suddenly become any more moral or insightful than I had been on matters of politics and the big issues affecting us all.
In fact I certainly didn't become any more moral in any way at all. That's definite. Offer me the chance to behave really shockingly and I'll jump at the chance as gleefully as I ever did before parenthood. In fact, probably more so. The opportunities for foul and degrading conduct are so much more limited when you need to find a babysitter.
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